Dealing with times of change.
Oma has been going through lots of change lately, some that feel good, like the expansion of our clinic, and some that feel a bit harder to digest, like saying goodbye to our longtime office manager Detta. We are all going to miss her!
For most of us, September is one of those wonderfully transitional months. With the shift to the cool evenings and the start of school, you can feel the move from easy breezy energy to new beginning energy. This might be a good transition for you, and you have been anticipating this transition with excitement, or perhaps you want to hold on to those carefree summer days as long as possible.
Maybe you see the changes happening now as small ones, like a minor speed bump. Or maybe the changes happening now are big; like sending your kid to kindergarten or driving them off to college. The thing about these changes is that no matter how big or small, we all experience them differently. Some people roll with changes easily, while others want to hold on, waiting for the last possible moment to accept that change is coming.
Sometimes this ability to roll with it or digest bigger changes will happen over a period of time, allowing time for this opportunity to take shape. Change may make us feel like cowering in a corner with the cover over our heads (and that is OKAY for a short period of time) and the opportunity is to change trajectory, put on a new pair of glasses, make new friends, find new ways of doing things, what could be waiting on the other side is becoming a vibrant being that resonates excitement and joy. Strengthening our muscles of adaptability supports this living a more contented, joyful life!
So how do I strengthen my ability to change?
Know the difference between change and transition. Most people use these terms interchangeably, but knowing the difference between the two can be quite helpful. According to William Bridges, author of Transitions: Making Sense of Life's Changes, change is a specific event, such as sending your kid to college or losing a loved one. You can usually point to the day these changes happened on your calendar. Transition is different however, it is our internal response to the change; it is our thoughts, feelings and emotions. This is far less linear or concrete, it’s what you must go through to accept these changes into your life, and the timeline is different for each person. So while we often do not have control over change, there is some wiggle room with how we manage our internal response to these changes.
Allow yourself this time to transition. If we allow them, transitions can be opportunities to ask ourselves what we need, where we can openly and honestly address that we are having big feelings. We may need extra time and space to address changes happening around us. We may even need to reach out to our life anchors, things we know ground us in these moments, such as good friends, good food, sleep, therapy, and all the good things! Remember that transitions are our emotional response to change. There is no set timeframe here. Take the time needed to pause and experience your emotions at this moment. Take the time to gauge our transition tolerance for ourselves and our kids, then figure out how much buffer to build in.
The only constant is change. Change is often unexpected, sometimes unwanted and usually uncomfortable. And although it brings up a lot of uncertainty for most of us, change is the one thing we can be certain of. Change, or we can even call it evolving, is essential; it’s how we survive as a species, it’s how we survive as individuals. Accepting that change is part of life allows us to move through these transitions with less resistance and, therefore, less internal stress. Even our own thoughts, feelings, and emotions about this transition will change; how we feel right now is not how we will feel forever.
Remember that you have done this before. Because change is the one thing we can be certain of, we know that we have gone through it before. Take a moment to sit down and think of a time when you went through a big change, and the transition was particularly hard. How did you get through it? What strengths do you have that helped you get to the other side? How can you use those strengths to help you with this new transition?
Let go. This time of uncertainty between the end of one thing and the beginning of the next is scary. If we can take some of Buddha’s wisdom - Change is never painful, only resistance to change is painful. Because we all tolerate this time differently, we all have different ways of knowing when it is time to let go fully. When we hold on too long or too tight, it may feel more painful or harder. Letting go often takes a leap of faith in ourselves. Just as trapeze artists must trust themselves to let go, we too must trust ourselves to surrender and trust that we will be caught. Free falling might be destabilizing, you may feel overwhelmed, and the task at hand may even feel impossible. Even when you have done hard things before, it is important to sit with the notion that this new change will bring newness on the other side. It has to be different; that is the nature of transitions.
Involve your kids - We can help our kids build up their transition tolerance too. Most of us, especially our kids, just want to feel safe in times of transition and listening to their needs in this time will show them that you are their safety net. When you are there to validate their experience and show them you care about their emotions, they have solid ground on which to sit with uncertainty, build resiliency and strengthen their ability to accept change. Pick a time every day to sit with your kids and talk through the changes and what everyone needs during this transition, preferably a time when everyone is feeling emotionally resourced!
Change can be hard, it often is, and the transition we go through is sometimes really stressful. But change can also be an opportunity to learn, grow, and create a whole new life for ourselves. If you are in a time of transition, know that you are not alone, we are on the journey with you!